Alcoholics Have Meetings|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 16 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Friday, April 18th, 2008|
|On Vox: To Move My Body
Today was weird. And when I mean weird, I mean really weird. When reality sinks in, when you think you've got nothing, you become psychic, telepathic, and shameless.
These two days have been weird. Longer, stretched thinly across the daylight and faint day-time moon. That giant rock. Every minute lasts.
For some reason, I think of Ali as Jred and I are traversing the campus. And then there he was, that broad bearded Muslim, grinning happily as he approaches me. I tell him, genuinely, "I was just thinking of you." He tells me he is catching up on school work before going to work work. Everyone here is catching up to work before they really go to work-- pursuing. I am.
I go to the DMV today. Mr. and Mrs. Anyone fill the rows of chairs built for an endured stay. Every Anyone is disgruntled. Of course, OF COURSE, a baby is balling. A cop tells the 20-some-year-old mother he will get the child a clipboard to play with. The cop hands her a standard issue clipboard with a standard issue pen to match. She marches past.
I sit calmly undisturbed as one dude sits and cheers people on. Go, A077! GOOD LUCK, YOU CAN DO IT. I get no such encouragement when the robot voice beckons. It has been like twenty minutes, he's probably gone, back into his own world "apart" from mine. I saunter up to the desk where a black lady glares at me. Her glasses focus the beam of disdain and burn me. Before I say anything, I notice this kid, probably about my age, with his sunken, time-tried mother. He is bitching the employee out, exclaiming to his mother that they don't understand. Someone calls and he walks away, leaving his mother to deal with it. I watch him pass with his velvet-padded sandals and swishing gym pants, his baggy shirt and a lack of sun where his sunglasses, which rest atop his crown, once were.
Turning to the lady in front of me, I shake my head and remember a sentiment Malcom X's expresses when traveling to Europe for the first time-- Americans act like they're doing eachother some favor by not interacting humanely. Or humanly, he says. Like ignoring the fact that we are all peers.
I ask the lady how she is, because I actually care, and we get off to a great start. I know I have done the right thing when, after my assessment, she tries to help me get my birth certificate. "There's a place by Willow Lawn that can do it," she points through walls. "You can ride the bus there," she says in response to "I don't have a car."
Why do they even need a piece of paper? Am I not proof enough of my birth?
So I have a running date with Jred and Basshead. It is too hot outside and Basshead has been on adderall for two days and just vaporized. We decide we will bike. Before I walk home to get my bike, I stop in Pleasant's Hardware to buy a crowbar(for crushing zombie skulls) and gold spray paint(to paint the Dino Rider[picture later]). The reason I need to spray paint the bike is because it is obviously not mine-- a shitty girl's bike with Pollak splotches of blue on a purple base. Don't fool yourself when you see me riding it though. That thing is more hardcore than any vehicle I've ever used-- it defeated me five times today. Rattling itself to pieces. Its shitty back-pedal breaks and loose handlebars almost killing me at every intersection. I'll ride it until it falls apart. Which it will.
I learn the bike belongs to a crackhead, which adds more points to the dangerous factor. Thanks Mills. And, of course, I forgot the spray paint.
At Belle Isle I am hanging out with Basshead, Jred, Graham, Rock, and GrapeJuice. We're on Dead Rock, where all the delinquents go. I am gulping down wine from Basshead's "Just Be Yoga" water bottle when I hear some shrieks and yelps from behind me. Too much is going on in my world for me to care. Until Graham "Irwin" Wilson walks over with a water moccasin or cottonmouth dangling from two pinched fingers. Everyone claims differently as to the nature of the snake. After it bit him. Blood seeping from his hand, several people insist that he go to the hospital. It was A RIVER SNAKE! EVEN IF IT IS NOT POISONOUS, IT WAS IN THE JAMES. IT CAN'T BE GOOD. Everyone was saying something about it. IT HAD A DIAMOND HEAD. We discuss the nature of the snake only after Graham tosses the thing. Sailing through the air, head over tail and straight as a dowel rod, the creature splashes into the current, gone from our ability to classify.
The sun pushes on us and Basshead cries, "WE SHOULD HAVE EXAMINED IT MORE CLOSELY!"
Concern settles as Graham's drunk ass gets too pissed or worried or whatever to hear any more of it. He isn't going to a hospital, and now I wonder what happened to him.
In any case, my crowning achievement of the day was riding my bike up that huge hill from Belle Isle, Tredegar or 5th, or whatever. Jred and I are pushing ourselves, him on his old BMX bike and me on the Dino Rider. To our left, a procession of about twenty middle to old aged, affluent looking men filter through a gate, down the hill ON SEGWAYS! Sweating profusely, I yell, "AHH I LOVE PHYSICAL ACTIVITY. IT FEELS SO GOOD TO MOVE MY BODY." For a split second their looks make me feel like a dick. But, whatever, they're being lazy. I guess trying to make them feel bad for having fun is wrong of me. But, honestly, I don't feel bad about it. They just don't know.
By the time I reach the top of the hill, I am heaving. I have worked for something, earned it. It does feel good.
At work, someone says they sat two people. I hear them say three, and tell them. They say, "I was thinking three, because three people just left. . . Get out of my head."
Originally posted on bollocker.vox.com
|Wednesday, March 26th, 2008|
I was always too lazy to figure out how to cross post. Now that I have that set up, prepare thyself for an onslaught of entries.
|On Vox: Last Boat to The Disappearing
"I just needed to get some fresh air. Away from him. He just never stops."
"Yeeeah," says Samantha, elongating and trailing her words with a sigh. "Can't we just have a conversation?"
"Exactly. Enough staring into a computer screen, Jesus Christ."
cold punctuates their words. As they push the words through the air,
so exits warm moisture. It is the driest, coldest November for the
region. On the West Coast, this is especially prevalent as wildfires
encroach ever so slowly from the southern tip of California, north and
east. It is on the news nearly every day, but neither of these
individuals are aware of it. Miles away, the all-consuming fire is of
little consequence to them. So, so far away.
really get going," she says, annoyed at the presence of Jake, their
mutual friend, who is on FACEBOOK, a company that poses to "connect
you" and make you "closer" to your friends, when really they're selling
something out of the back. That something is your information. When
you list information about yourself, it is leased to the highest
bidder. Once that happens, FACEBOOK allows the advertisers to link ads
to your login, specifically targeting you. Jake is still on FACEBOOK,
having his soul siphoned out, hours after they leave.
"Alright, yeah, I've really got to get up early anyway," she adds.
Cabel and Samantha put their cigarettes out together, both having
finished within exactly two minutes-- inhaling an entire cigarette,
"So, you still
haven't told me why we're here, Fisher. Or why I couldn't come the
first time," Kristopher hisses through his pearly teeth.
"Ampulex compressa," Dr. Fisher responds.
"What about it?"
"It evolved in tandem with roaches-- developed a toxin that it injects
into their brains. Inducing the toxin makes the roaches follow a scent
back to the wasp's nest, where it becomes an incubator for the wasp's
eggs, who hatch and eventually utilize more roaches for procreation."
"Well, we're not going to find any wasps in a dark cave."
Dr. Fisher grins with crooked yellow teeth. He cuts at the skeleton of a Fuji with a rusty knife.
"That's disgusting." His friend and more formally apprentice,
Kristopher, sits on a damp mound of granite. Staring in concern for
his mentor, not friend, he iterates his point, adding, "You're going to
get lockjaw or something."
Dr. Fisher uses the force of a
thumb opposite the rusty, though sharp blade, sliding it toward him.
"You know nothing. Apples are good for you, clean out your teeth. And
I'll be fine."
Kristopher continues to stare, annoyed. He sighs
and looks up at the sky of rock. A drop of water drips. Drips right
into his eye. Putting up with moments of eternity, Kristopher reminds
himself this is worth it. Misery and his mind wander to gold
watches and beautiful women. "You know, we should probably be doing
work. You've been carving for thirty minutes."
and what's your hurry? I could cut this forever, given the right
sharpness. You can always get smaller pieces, if you understand how.
We need to understand how to find what we're looking for. And we'll
find it when we find it."
Kristopher begins a retort, but the
air is knocked out of him, as the granite stump gives way to his
weight. Dr. Fisher rises cautiously. His understanding of caves
shaken, just not as much as Kristopher's.
"What the fuck?!" Kristopher belches angrily from within a sunken rock formation. "That is not supposed to fucking happen. Is this one of your tests, one of your tricks... I am so sick--"
"Wait!" A scuttling noise echoes, and Dr. Fisher continues over
discontented whispers from Kristopher, "Do you hear that?"
Kristopher's hands push down on the outer rim of his accidental rock
fox-hole, and he pauses.
"Yeah. I do. What is it?" he whispers, calmly excited.
"It's what we're looking for."
Dr. Fisher turns his helmet-light to full and Kristopher is blinded.
He returns the favor, but Fisher is already creeping down to a nearby
pool. "In there," he says, pointing through a hole in the wall.
"What about in there?"
"You're climbing in there."
Normally one for confrontation, Kristopher trades his grief for
anticipated glory and fortune. He begins to move himself forward in the
crawlspace to the pool. He promptly sticks himself the wrong way, and
can't move forward.
"I'm stuck!" he yelps. Frantically
shifting his weight, he continues, "I think I can get out, but I can't
go forward anymore"
"Wait! What can you see?"
stops panicking and remembers the new car he needs. "Just a wall." He
turns his head. The light moves with him, panning the wall. Outside
of the hole, Dr. Fisher paces. Bites his nails.
yet?" Fisher ponders aloud. Before Kristopher responds, Fisher gets
his answer. Light beams outward from the hole, enveloping Kristopher
and startling Fisher. He shields his eyes and asks Kristopher if he
can see it.
"Yes," he breathes, "it's beautiful."
Cabel's iPod boombox blankets the noisy television in the next room,
blasting her favorite song. The speakers, busted, screech during the
higher pitches, while the Media makes hopeless attempts to educate
Cabel. From across the kitchen, she sees shocked eyes on gaping
anchor-faces, and thinks little of it. Shit happens every day. Every
day, shit happens.
Bing, microwave ravioli is done. She
reads the nutrition facts. Fourteen grams of protein, Eight-point-one
grams of sugar, and Two-thousand-nineteen milligrams of sodium. Eighty-four percent, she reads and thinks, Oh well, it's been worse.
Years ago, when Cabel is fifteen, she fails a drug test for the last
time. Unable to tolerate it any longer, her mother kicks her out of
the house, changes the locks, and nails the windows shut. For the next
week, Cabel lives in a neon-pink and yellow Fisher Price tent in the
woods. The forgotten woods between a new apartment complex and ancient
rail-road tracks. The sewer water leaks through to the creek, and she
lives off of fast food. Her friends tell her she looks pale and
malnourished. Three things go through her fifteen-year-old head: 1) Burning
those effigies of my mom in the back yard with my friends, our little
arms beating it with lead pipes and sticks, seems retroactively
justified. 2)Maybe I should quit smoking pot. 3) Maybe I should quit getting caught for smoking pot.
She never quits. She is high right now, in fact.
Her Crest-whitened teeth take their first bite of the faux-violi. If
it's better than it was, it's best. She lowers the volume on her boom
box and catches the end of shocked words from a shocked mouth, "Our
prayers are with the missing Dr. Bernard Fisher and all of those
suffering in California." Cabel straddles her couch, flipping her left
leg over. She carefully lands on the cushions, facing the television.
She thinks about Dr. Fisher missing and is, inexplicably, unable to
cry as the news fades to commercials. Pushing her lack of empathy to
the back of her mind, she turns the volume up. Cars overpower cheetahs
and horses, victorious, even, over Earth itself. Medicine cures the
minor and embarrassing-- backaches and heartburn, flatulence, anxiety
and confidence issues. Lose weight, follow our god, monitor your
neighbors. Beware. A cyclical tale of kindness shows last on the
screen-- everyone seeing everyone else lend a hand, and everyone
continuing the cycle, until it returns to the first person. Some music
accompanies it and then the logo of a large company fades in and it
says, "We care about you." Cabel begins to weep uncontrollably.
The news returns, ending the commercials. The ads continue, with a
voice conditioned to sell ideas. "Now we return to our story on why
breastfeeding may be harmful to your child."
Later that night, she rolls a spliff and smokes it out of her bedroom window,
alone. Off in the faded black, she hears a train and thinks of
her father, who used to take her to chase and photograph trains when she was younger, back before he left her mother. A wailing
metal ghost groans, for it is inclined to keep going in one direction,
forced to remain on a set path. The conductor of the ghost pulls its
vocal chord, and it lets out a smaller and smaller call. And then,
when she can no longer hear it any more, off in that dark distance, she
tries to cry. She tries so hard, because she feels that it means so
much. So much now that it's gone. And it's gone.
Goh lies face down at the foot of the forest. His skin, stripped from
his body, oozes out from under his retardant yellow fatigues. The
hair on his body burns, emanating a bad smell, and no one but the
trees, engulfed in cones of fire, claim witness. John's mind painfully
wanders to the edge of sense, and he passes out, dead and still
Earlier, John tells his compatriots of
Buddhist Monks who, protesting the Vietnam war, doused themselves in
gasoline. They lit matches and sat, lips sealed, burning. Like that
guy who loads his shotgun and goes down to the ashes of the twin towers
and hops the fence, John says. Wearing a sign that details why he is
about to do what he is about to do, he positions the barrel against his
throat and pulls the trigger, splattering himself on the grave that
launched a war.
John and his group of firefighters get off of
their transport vehicle and gear up. They stand gazing into the
perimeter of flame. Dwarfing them, it gradually advances its will
across the California soil, stretching upward to burn a hole in the
sky. Stretching to reunite with the gods of fire in the night sky.
Fighting this fire is a constant struggle, and there is no sleep for
those who wish it halted.
It is a moonless night, one of the firefighters notes, and John thinks of how maybe it is just a sunless
night. Either way the moon is out there, imperturbably lording some
bit of fate over the world, its oceans, its fish and its fishers.
Somewhere higher than John and the firefighters but lower than the
moon, fire and gravity play fiend to the group, and a branch,
incinerated, snaps. It careens, inexorably, as a spear on fire,
through the skull of Todd Jennings. He drops to his knees, his eyes
bursting with blood. He throws up and lands in it.
The firefighters stand, paralyzed. John begins to move in to check the
body, no longer Todd Jennings, when the body writhes and squirms,
launching itself upward. John falters backward and falls on his ass,
as the firefighters, their feet made of concrete or lead, watch in
horror as Jennings' body stops flailing and stares, eyeless, through
John scrambles for his radio.
"DISPATCH! We've run into trouble, CHRIST!" is the understatement he manages before the body begins acting up again.
The body, with its antenna of flame and face covered in burst over-easy
eyes and sizzling blood, stands more erect and hisses. Then screeches
"This is Dispatch, what's wrong Goh?"
clicks and clacks its jaw and rushes forward, rearing his right arm
backward. With an arc of his arm and a claw of a hand, the body
effortlessly punctures the eyes of Cameron Dollio and rips down and
outward. John, thinking of the madness on Black Friday, the crowds
rushing and violently pushing and breaking eachother to get the better
deal first, is unable to respond to the radio.
comes with the hand as the body continues to tear. The body reaches
around and sputters blood into Dollio's ear before eviscerating it with
its teeth. Though wearing retardant gear, Dollio's body soon catches
fire from the increasingly engulfed body attacking him. Dollio's
corpse crumples to the ground.
John gets up, stumbles, and
begins to run, as do the four others remaining. Two bodies chase and
catch them with ease. One down, and fire is spreading more quickly
toward the road they took to get here. The road where more
firefighters, from the last shift, rest and recuperate. Two down, this
time three bodies mutilating one, setting it aflame. Three down. Four
down. John can see the road ahead where firetrucks and lights and
tents with coffee and food wait idly. He begins hyperventilating, and
removes his mask. Sputtering, he collapses.
tightly in a cocoon of Thomas Lee sheets and blankets, Samantha happily
watches a movie at midnight. The IKEA lights dimmed behind an IKEA
shelf, she peers over blankets, her eyes fixed upon her wall-mounted
60" Sony Bravia. She is watching George A. Romero's Dawn of the Dead.
Outside her window, down the alley and in the next yard, a man swings
open a gate and slams it shut. Hearing this and terrified of the
undead on the screen, Sam cuddles closer to a favorite Beanie Baby. A
Beanie Baby that was fifty dollars, and the one she wanted most for
Christmas one year. Current Value: six dollars or "priceless memory."
The man outside takes a moment to catch his breath and gather his
thoughts. He stares at the ground. Through the cracks of the fence,
and off the walls of the cobble-stone alleyway, orange light filters
into his mind. He runs through the yard and up a flight of wooden
stairs, spinning around to look over the fence. A wall of bodies,
aflame, rush through the beginning of the alley way, arms flailing
All this commotion has Sam up and out of her bed,
staring out her window. She sees the man ripping up wooden steps and
throwing them into her yard. Her condensed moisture words smash
against the window, "Fucking lunatic." Assuming it is one of the
city's ill-minded street denizens, she exits her room, the movie paused
with the hero pressing a pea-shooter to his temple.
back deck Sam, oblivious to the fires several yards down to her left,
yells across to the man, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!"
Un-phased, the man readies a hose over the railing facing the yard,
leaving it on full blast. He begins banging on the door, but these
people are out of town. He smashes his hand through the door and
unlocks it. Baffled, Sam turns to go inside to get her cell phone to
call the police. As she does this, she immediately understands the
nature of the man's behavior. Standing there, in the cold night air,
with the encroaching fire there in front of her, she is unable to
move. Something about the sight of fire, whether vast or small but
especially of this magnitude, renders a human transfixed. In awe.
An inhuman screech comes from across the yard. Crashing through a
window is the man, hands gripping the shoulders of a flaming person.
He falls on his back and yells out. With built adrenaline, he heaves
the person up and through the railings of the deck opposite of
Samantha. He picks the hose up and douses himself, putting out patches
of flame. Finally he notices her. He begins to say something when the
wall of flame reaches the back of their apartments. The man's gate
busts open, several bodies falling through to the ground, which,
covered in dry brush, catches immediately. In seconds, ten bodies pour
through the opening and more climb over the fence. Scrambling to keep
up with the larger bodies, children run with the pack, their flame
flickering like a strobe light. The man directs the hose to them.
Hearing the water sizzle, he realizes the amount of water he can
utilize is fruitless and begins to run back into the apartment as
bodies attempt to jump the gap in the stairs or climb the pillars of
wood. This sets the deck on fire.
Sam, seeing several
flaming bodies jump her own fence, runs back inside. She runs through
the apartment, which seems enveloped in daylight. Reaching her front
door, she swings it open and heads downstairs. Outside, Samantha
witnesses a condensed demonstration of human nature.
street several friends are running for a car. The foremost friend
stretches out his arm and unlocks his car ten feet away. This allows
he and all but one of his friends to jump in the car. The leave him,
halted by a horde of flaming zoo animals. A fiery elephant slaps the
hood with a crimson trunk and the driver crashes through the
windshield, his body sailing through the air and into the fire. The
driver catches flame, and runs for his car toward his friends who are
fighting each other to exit the vehicle.
someone yells on Samantha's side of the street. The yeller, "Tom"
perhaps, struggles with a handful of keys, searching for the right
one. The left-behind friend, maybe "Fred," runs across the street.
Eventually Tom gets it and they enter, not noticing her, and drive
The car takes a right turn past a CVS and
7-11 where the lights are off. They prematurely disappear from sight
when the man from the back deck steps in front of her, saying, "FOLLOW
ME, WE NEED TO GET IN THE BASEMENT!" as loud as he can. Samantha pees a little and passes out in the man's arms.
"Shit," he says.Answers
Samantha awakens, her face smushed against cold slate. She pushes
herself up and rubs her eyes. Her stranger-savior rocks back and
forth, hands on
his knees. She looks behind him, where the ancient iron doors are
"You can't begin to imagine the drugs they pumped into these things.
Hunger amplification, high concentrations of melatonin, I don't know
what they were trying to accomplish," Kristopher shakes words from his bruised head. "No, I didn't think this
Samantha contorts her face, puzzled. "Isn't that the stuff in your skin?"
"No," he responds. "Melatonin is in your brain. Regulates your
rhythm, uh," he pauses-- straining his eyes in the darkness of the
basement. He continues, "Sleep patterns, dreaming, belief in the
supernatural even. Might be linked to the God gene
, I don't
know. Melatonin is triggered at night, in our brains. I remember when
I was a kid, I got frightened by the dancing stuffed animals on the
shelf next to my bed-- kids have a hard time discerning between reality
at night because of melatonin and the developmental level of their
Samantha pouts, remembering the flickering children. She thinks of something--How can insects have melatonin?-- to ask him to keep him talking. She is comforted by his knowledge.
Kristopher begins again, knowing that telling her something about how
it started will release him of the burden. The longer winded he is
about how it happened, the longer he can keep from thinking how it is
happening. "Nearly all life has it, regulates the circadian rhythm,
you know, the physiological cycle of day and night, night and day.
They first discovered melatonin in insects back in the seventies--in
the compound eyes of crickets. And when inducing more than was
'natural,'" he says, using facetious air-quotes with his fingers,
"their night activity increased substantially." He chuckles,
"Eventually eliminating day-time activity. Not the case, here,
though. Not completely."
Samantha brews. At this point,
Kristopher has run out of things to say to her. He doesn't feel he can
communicate on her level, which, for him, is much lower than he is
willing to venture. Able only to see dim reflections off his eyes and
protruding cliff-face of a nose, she wonders aloud, "Why in their
eyes? Is that the only way we can tell whether it is day or night?
Can't we feel the sunlight or lack thereof on our skin?"
this, Kristopher perks up, remembering the gruesomely bloody candle-wax
face of a body, dripping gaps in the face, six inches from his own
face. "They don't have eyes, he says."
They launch into a verbal foray.
"You said you found these in a cave, right?"
"Was there any light down there?"
"No, we had these heavy fucking helmets mounted with lights. You know, like Hollywood."
"You were in California," she smiles.
"Yeah, not twenty miles from the edge of the wild-fires."
The conversation dies with Samantha's last, sleepy thought, "Will they ever burn out?"
Kristopher begins to fall asleep as fire sweeps through the city,
conforming the minds of all willing beings. His last thought is of the
helicopter, bursting into flame--fading into the clouds. With Samantha
asleep, he removes a translucent box from the inside of his coat.
Within the box, a white mantis-like creature is stretched by hexagonal
distortions on the outside. Kristopher shakes his head as the inside
of the box ignites and extinguishes several times.
peers across an empty ocean. Antarctica is supposed to be here
somewhere. It would be hard to miss, but it is missing. One day, the
flaming bodies collectively decide to rush for the oceans. Every
survivor of the immortal flame that were the mysterious bodies, now
stands alone, against a tide of change-- across the face of their
planet, they must soon learn to survive. No longer will they subsist.
Visible gusts of air exit her lungs, and her lips begin to
crack and bleed. She looks to her right, to her father who stands
looking out into the blue oblivion with her. Words have yet to jump
his perfect ivory gap. Puffs of air cannot be seen coming from his
mouth. Cabel does not notice. She just leans against the wall of the
deck and rubs her gloved hands together and against her body. She
cannot remember arriving on the boat. Her last clear memory is of the
man who head butts her in an attempt to force her aboard a helicopter.
It happened so fast, she thinks.
Abednego!" Cabel shakes a chain-linked fence with meat-hook fingers.
A security camera watches the sidewalk where she shakes the fence. It
pans to the surrounded parking lot. "HEY, HEY, I'M RIGHT HERE! YOU LET
ME IN YOU PIECE OF SHIT!"
"Yelling at the camera won't get
you inside." Two rows of perfectly straight pearly teeth meet her
teary-eyed gaze as she spins around. A man faces her, unreadable
behind huge bug-eyed reflective lenses. Red eyes and a pouting mouth
mirror her own.
"My father is missing, and they need to let me in here. Now."
"I understand," say the pearly teeth. A hand extends for hers. "My
name is Kristopher Elijah and I work here." They shake hands. Before
she can introduce herself, he continues. "What has your father told
you about Abednego?" He smiles for an answer.
code-word. When I was little, he gave us a code-word, for safety. He
said if I ever needed him, I could come to his lab, and if I said
Abednego, the guards would have to let me in."
"Drag you in, maybe. Who did you say your father was?" he asks her.
"I didn't. I'm Cabel Fisher."
At this, Kristopher's smile evaporates.
"Follow me," he says.
Kristopher approaches a box on the gate. He retrieves a key from his
pocket and uses it to open the box. He removes his sunglasses and
hunches forward to place his eyes in front of the box.
"These things destroy your vision."
The gate creaks sideways, dragging itself on rolling wheels.
"I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but you should know," Kristopher begins. "I saw it. I experienced
it. Everything I saw profoundly changed me." He laughs, "And your
father, him too. But he actually has one. Or maybe one has him."
"What did you see?" Confusion strikes Cabel blind to Kristopher's
actions. They enter completely black room. Kristopher paces to the
back wall and plucks something from a rack. It clinks the keys in his
pocket, sounds like glass. They exit and keep walking.
"Where are we going?"
"To the roof?"
The building seems empty except for a few rooms they pass to the
elevator. In one, Cabel glimpses a man strapped to a bed, his muscle
exposed to the air. In another room a man is pulling organs out of a
body and placing them on a table. The body squirms but makes no sound
she can hear through the door. She throws up a little in her mouth and
grabs Kristopher's arm.
"What is this place," she says muffled, her hand over her mouth.
"We just wanted to make money off of suffering. That's the human
way." Before she can respond, he says they have reached the elevator.
He enters, but she does not. "Do you want to see your father?"
"Yes." She enters. The doors slide shut as a clicking and screeching
noise bellows somewhere in the hallway. The crashing sound of metal
against stone is the last thing they hear before the doors shut. They
look at each other.
Kristopher presses 5 and says, "I
saw everything beautiful in this world. Everything right. I got this
feeling, in the pit of my stomach, that we, as humans once had it
right. The oceans were crystal pools on the face of a green rock.
Before Prometheus, before the first revolution, we were not separate
from this world. I was stuck in this tiny hole down in a deep cave
with your father. We were looking to make money off of this new
species we had discovered. Incredible evolutionary abilities. We're
not even sure how what it does is possible, but we've witnessed it.
And, there I am, seeing into myself, my father, his father, our kind.
All our sins replayed in an instant. In that eerie mirror, where only
the light in my mind exists, I am overwhelmed with the horror I
witness. Our world burns as our moon tosses itself, crashes into our
surface, shattering. Splintering. I see the lives of each person,
each ancestor, played out and destroyed. I scream and tell your father
to pull me out, but he has gone. I don't know where. A few days
later, he shows up here--"
The doors open to the fifth floor, which is essentially a hallway leading to a ladder.
"Your father is waiting for you on the roof" is the second to last thing he says to her, pointing to the ladder. The last thing he says to her, after she comes scrambling down the ladder minutes later is, "You have to go," right before head butting her.
On the boat, her father begins to speak, slowly.
"The bonding trestle of heart and mind. If only you could see as your
Leviathan sees, perhaps you would would understand as I do. As gods
do. Your fractious construction of lineage, your muddled
perception. Darkened shadow compressed to brilliant diamond threads,
all for you, undeserved."
She rears back. "I don't understand."
"You're not meant to understand. You never were. You are a flashlight in the dark. We are the dark."
Originally posted on bollocker.vox.com
|Wednesday, January 10th, 2007|
|The Last Sane Story : My Liver Will Hate Me Forever
The last sane story I will tell begins with four guys walking twelve blocks in the cold to get to a party. A party that isn't going on that night. So, four more blocks over, to a party where some girl we'll call "Jill" invited Theft. "I'm bringing someone" he told her. Someone(s), it turns out. When we get inside, Chocolate, Theft, Roman, and myself all mingle at the door before spotting the keg. I am immediately ahead of everyone, leaving my friends behind. There is a couch against the wall, next to the keg, and in front of the beer pong table. People are sitting on the couch like it is a fucking riser for the beer pong game. Their legs hang over the edge of the couch and form a gauntlet to the keg. This gets increasingly irritating as I drink more.
The next thing I know I have five solo-cup sized beers in me and I am out on the porch negotiating with Tony, a kid from my dorm, to give me some of the liquor he brought with him. He has major OCD and won't let me drink out of his bottle. I tell him this is probably for the best, since, you know, I have aids from all the buttsex I have. Apparently I say this very loudly, because a group of people turn to stare at me. The girl in the group is hot and I decide saying "Yeeah, you heard correctly" is the appropriate response. I don't say anything else, as I am back to bargaining for liquor, the devine nectar of the gods. The girl turns around and giggles. Tony agrees to pour some of his draft into my red cup. He tells me it is Bacardi 151. I tell him I love him. We throw back together. He wretches and I lick my lips, telling him I am indebted, and that 151 is delicious.
I head back inside for more beer since I have no more liquor. I pass Theft on the way inside and shake my empty cup in the air at him. He takes a second to register this, turns, and asks, "Dude, you're going back already? How many have you had?"
"Like five," I tell him.
"Let me catch up!"
I smile and walk away, tripping over the gauntlet of feet stretched casually across the floor. This pisses me off so as soon as I get my beer I chug it and fill up for a seventh. With my seventh beer in hand, I head back to the porch outside. The porch rests on the second floor of an apartment building. I want to test its integrity, so I give Theft my beer and begin jumping up and down. Because, testing something with YOURSELF that could lead to your DEATH is an awesome idea. Theft is saying something to me, but I am too busy testing the strength of the pillars below.
Theft: "Dude, it's concrete"
Hunter: "That just means we'll fall faster, right?"
Theft: "Uh, what beer are you on?"
Hunter: "Mmmm, like.. like seven... and some 151 that Tony gave me."
Theft: "Jesus man, I'm on like four, give me a chance to catch up with you."
Hunter: "I knew a guy that ate just ketchup. It was gross."
Seeing that I was 100% capable of sustaining a real conversation, Theft takes this time to introduce me to "Jill," the girl that invited him. She is cute, with short brown hair, bobbed, and piercing eyes. I shake her hand and she smiles. I am not revolting to her because she is probably more drunk than me. Distracted, she shambles off into the party. I ask Theft if he is hooking up with her. I must have almost yelled it, because he's giving me the buldging eyes, slice-across-the-throat hand movement. "Oh," I say. "Nice."
I head back inside and pass the couch. This time, I step on everyone's feet. Someone calls me an asshole, but I tell them they are impeding my intoxication. I get an eighth beer and Chocolate and Roman say they're headed out. I am giving them high fives and hugs like they're departing for some long journey that they'll never come back from. I turn around and some random guy is behind me, so I high five him too. I am a happy drunk tonight.
Terror strikes. The keg is dry. I almost begin weeping, because I am no where near as drunk as I want to be. Jill sees that I am distraught and comes up to me.
Jill: "There's another keg in the place behind this one. Just go around back, outside, and take a left."
Hunter: "You are my hero."
I end up following her to the next apartment where she waits outside to smoke. You know, on one of those ancient fire escape things, the pitch black metal and what not. Inside, I am packed between two fat dudes that smell like shit. Luckily a girl entertains me while I wait to get to the alcohol. She asks me if I'm Hunter. Hunter Caldwell. I say yes, and ask her why the hell she knows me. I am enamored. I feel famous. "You went to James River, you were in my graduating class. I guess you didn't see me much." It just got scary. I have never ever seen this girl in my life. She tells me her name as she exits and I tell her I'll look her up on Facebook sometime. I immediately forget her name.
I finally get to the keg, fill up, and leave. I go outside and my current entertainment, Jill, is gone. I decide to drink this beer as fast as possible and go for another. I do, and a guy from my dorm comes up behind me saying, "Nice." I turn around to see who it is. It's some kid that absolutely zero people like. I've never had a problem with him, but think that fate has given me a means to my own entertainment. I talk to him for awhile, making sarcastic remarks about his leather outfit. Before I go for another beer, he asks me what my name is. Not being very creative in my drunken stupor, I tell him my name is James. That's my first name, so technically I wasn't lying. Throughout the rest of the night I would tell him my name was Fred, Jason, Jackson, Jefferson, Earnest, Bunsburry, and Captain Kirk. I think he finally got it by the last one.
After several more beers, I am out on the terrifyingly high fire escape. Jill is sitting on the stairs leading up. I guess to the roof, there aren't any third floor apartments. She's smoking a cigarrette, and I ask her for one. I am not a smoker, but when I drink, I do smoke. The nicotine-alcohol concoction is nice for a head rush. We sit out there and smoke, talking. I am not going to lie to you, I remember nothing of the conversation, and I'm not going to pretend I do. She asks me to hold on to her cigarrette and heads inside to use the bathroom. The kid from my dorm comes by and asks my name. I think this is somewhere around the use of "Jefferson." "Cool," he says, and I head inside, leaving Jill's and my cigarrette behind on the rail.
After awhile, I am drinking another beer out on the porch, talking to Theft, when Jill comes up. She asks me if I have a girlfriend. I am honest, so I say yes. I kind of wish I didn't right now, because the question is not subtle at all. I tell her yes, and am surprised to hear her explain the friend zone.
She says, "Oh, because you can climb the 'Friend' ladder or the 'Fuck' ladder." Ooo, girlfriend means "Friendzone"! I'm not a cheating bastard, but am disappointed to have been put in a less-than-awesome category.
The rest of the night between that and getting back to the dorm is unimportant. We did go to another party, but it was totally lame. The last thing I remember before getting back to the dorm is riding on Theft's back down the street.
So, I get to the dorm, sloppily swipe my card a few times, and rush upstairs. Yes, stairs. Even drunk, I have a four-floors-or-less stairs policy. I live on the third floor and I refuse to be that lazy. I have to take a hurculean piss, so I go to the bathroom. I see two shoes sticking out from under a stall door. Somebody has been partying way harder than me. It kind of reminds me of the Wizard of Oz, and I wonder if the shoes will curl up and disappear.
I am willing to ignore the person, take my piss, and be on my way, but then the groaning starts.
Hunter: "You alright in there, man?"
Hunter: "Dude, you don't sound so good, you need some help?"
He starts puking, "BLAAAARRRH!"
I finish up and look under the stall. There is dark, viscous liquid coating everything. The toilet, the floor, the wall, his arms and shirt. It is fucking gross. I reckognize him. It is "Somedude2" from my story "Drunk People." We'll just call him "Toilet" in honor of his submission to the porcelain god.
Hunter: "I am so getting you some water man... it's like. . . a cure-all"
I go to DasBox, knowing he is the only other person awake at four in the morning. I ask him to help me. I don't know for what, maybe moral support. Or maybe because Toilet is a fucking tank of a person, and immobile to someone like me.
We keep supplying Toilet with water and he keeps throwing most of it up, or just pouring it on himself. Toilet has been arrested before on campus and is on the verge of getting kicked out of the dorm, so I can't leave him in good concience. We decide to move him. But first we get a trashcan so he can throw away his shirt. It is literally caked in brown and black throw up. I don't know about you, but the second I start throwing up black shit, get help for me, please. We get him to his room. I walk inside, and try to get Greez off of Toilet's bed. I tell him he has to move. And he doesn't listen to me. This pisses Toilet off and he says something to the effect of "I'll fucking kill you." I don't really remember, but I recall it being commanding. And besides, this guy is an ox and could destroy Greez. Greez hears him and springs into awareness, moving to the floor. Some random girl is on his bed.
I mention the last part, about Toilet, because that may very well be me soon. Heading back out into the drinking world, beyond my limits and what not. My friend Luke is coming back this summer, and let's just say I can drink a lot, but not like it's my job. Like, if you're in the military, you kill people for a living. If you're Luke Koftan, you drink bitches under tables for a living. This man keeps drinking after he has won drinking contests. People actually tell him, "You don't have to drink anymore, you know."
"FUCK YOU," is his response. So, I have some catching up to do. With a family history of alcoholism and my Irish heritage, here's to the last sane story I ever tell.
|Wednesday, November 29th, 2006|
|I am back. Anyone still have me friended?
I am back. I wonder if anyone still has me friended. I will be posting on this journal again, slowly catching it up to what my other blog now looks like. It will be friends only and consist of more wonderful stories of excessive drinking and fornicating.
|Saturday, July 29th, 2006|
|Creator and Destroyer
This is Krishna revealing his Universal Form to, I think, a cousin named "Arjun" right before a great war. Now, I don't know much about Hinduism, but I really like this picture and the idea behind it. Krishna is basically this dude who is the Ultimate Reality and the Supreme Person. He is the eighth level or tier of some sort of god-like progression. Now, I've seen this kind of image in my head, when thinking about a human's experience in life. It's hard to convey my thoughts on this, and words will forever be my hurt in that sense. I just wanted to post it because I think there's a lot of truth about the universe in this one picture. Not much I can make you understand. But this is the critical mass of a universe in one form, mounted to a single unit of reality.
|Thursday, July 27th, 2006|
|Do You Believe in Life Outside of this Solar System?
I took this from my grave
, because I felt like resurrecting it in order to see what people thought about it. That deadjournal has 4 years worth of nonsense, if you're bored(just thought I'd plug it/my life).( Bug's Eye ViewCollapse )
So basically, I want to know what others think.
Just answer the following questions, they're simple.
1. Do you believe in complex life outside of the Solar System? Give two reasons why or why not.
2. If we are gods to insects, how should we take that responsibility into consideration? Understand that if they were advanced enough to formulate a religion on us, our actions would reflect in their belief.
3. How do you define "god"? By terms set forth in religious texts(metaphysical, all-powerful), or by terms of mere supremacy(still physical, yet more powerful in will than yourself).
|Wednesday, July 26th, 2006|
|How Relationships are like the Trance Genre
I wrote this the other day when I was high, waiting for Horatio to cash a check at the bank. Yetti and I were sitting in his car, listening to Airbase, the best trance artist/group ever. EVER. Download all of their stuff now, you'll be blown away, and if not, you suck. So, from the back of some mapquest directions to this livejournal:
In a relationship that is meaningful between two human beings, there must be additional layers stretched over time, always building. It is as the trance group Airbase demonstrates, layers are added slowly, allowing a listener to store a brief bit of the song before the next layer is added. The next layer, when added, builds upon the created depth, reaching a crescendo of beautiful complexity. Two souls, together. The sheltered universes in each mind closer together--bonded.
You wouldn't believe how actually difficult this was to write at the time. I had to pause like every 10 seconds to retrace my logic.
|Monday, July 24th, 2006|
|Edits III - Infinite Destination ©JHC
This past year, my physics class greatly influenced my discovery of the universe around me. The following poem was started in that class while watching an interesting video on atomic-level physics. I believe that the universe is a constantly building microcosm and macrocosm of itself, increasing in complexity as "time" passes. For this edit, should anyone be interested, I'd like to see interpretations.
What is infinity? How does it effect us?
What is the human spectrum of experience in this universe, and what do our vague bundle of senses mean to us?
What notable complexities are there to society, how do they develope, and what do they mean?( Infinite DestinationCollapse )
|Sunday, July 23rd, 2006|
The girl in "Condom Debacle" asked me if I would make the story more private, and because I'm not a total asshole, it's now filed under "Friends Only," so if you want to read it, get a livejournal and friend me. But not to fear, she actually mentioned another story I can write about, that, damn, is really ridiculous. Also, I'll probably finish writing "Lebanese Pt.2" and then write a third part. Woo.
|Thursday, July 20th, 2006|
|Veto of Stem Cell Research : Discussion
I'd like to get a number of opinions on this subject, as I find it to be one of the most important issues our society has been faced with this era-- the right to life.
In a UK Telegraph, submitted on the 30th of June, the following was stated by the Vatican:( Vatican vows to expel stem cell scientists from ChurchCollapse )
Many religious icons and followers believe embryotic research is a sin against mankind, a destruction of souls, and so on. On the opposite end of the spectrum, there are those that believe we can grow new organs, develope longer life spans, etc. So, which side do you take? I hope to get a large response on this. IT IS IMPORTANT THAT WE, THE PEOPLE, ENGAGE IN DISCOURSE
and take our ideas to those in control.
Some stuff to get you started:
Arguement: An embryo has a soul.
Counter-Arguement: Sam Harris, author of The End of Faith
points out that a human blastocyst(the stage at which embryos are harvested) has 50 cells and is said to have a soul, while a fly, by comparison, has 100,000 cells.
-The "Future Kid" arguement: "An embryo is used to save a future child of yours that is ailed with cancer. Is it worth it then?"
-Human embryos are still human, this sets a dangerous precedent.
And so on like that.
|Wednesday, July 19th, 2006|
|Edits II -- Poetry -- Constructive Criticism
( WestfallCollapse )( Hearts and MindsCollapse )
I sent some of this stuff to my grandfather(on my mom's side), because he loves creative stuff, and after reading them, he called up and informed me that he would do all the legal work for a copyright. Which I'm sure he's capable of, as he owns a law-firm. Badass.
So, I don't know if this is in effect yet, but
©James Hunter Caldwell
|Monday, July 17th, 2006|
(a sister my picture took)
In my last year of high school, I took a creative writing class that I loved. Unfortunately the class I was in was mixed with a higher level version of the class, thus the teacher was split in her focus... this lead to a whole lot of NO-feedback on my work. I'm not going to really write anything new for awhile, but if people would give feedback on what I've written and the older things that I'm going
to post, that'd be great. Thanks.
|Tuesday, July 11th, 2006|
|Thursday, May 11th, 2006|
There's a synergy in humans that trumps all other beings within the known spectrum. We manifest evolution to our will, we can better ourselves. Our bodies, our minds: temples to complexity, a craft we wield--unharnessed. The eye of this universe has oppened and I have peered, previously ignorant, unaware and aloof, into the depths of beauty.
I am reborn.